Wednesday, October 27, 2010


While snooping around the message boards and libraries of online BDSM communities (which, thus far, has been my only source for information outside of introspection) I have come to one very clear conclusion:

The BDSM community cannot seem to agree on a universal set of definitions for commonly used vocabulary.

One person's slave is another person's poser. One person's punishment is another person's play. One person's idea of fun is pretend and role-play while another person takes everything to it's most literal real word application. But everyone is using the same words, for these very different lifestyles and concepts.

It is entirely contextual.

And deeply confusing for me, as I don't have my mind made up what my personal definitions are.

Admittedly there clearly are a variety of different sub-groups of like minded individuals that seem to be able to get on talking together with a certain amount of agreement- but as there seem (at least to me) to be about as many different groups of like minded individuals as there can possibly be based around a single core concept.

(Train of thought derailment... I wonder if that is a factor in how the Gor community came into being. I mean  I just doubt/wonder if there would naturally be that many people with the exact same brand of kink. I can imagine that a well flushed out set of values, lifestyle, and verbage would be appealing, especially to an uncertain newcomer. Regardless of if it exactly matched a person's individuality, have a foundation to work with could be, er, relieving.)

Anyway, I guess that I notice people arguing semantics a lot of time rather than openly reading what a person's intent is in their forum post and replying to their true statement. 

Everyone is just going, "It depends on what your meaning of 'is' is,"

My Train of Thought Hasn't Left The Station Yet

I'm still forming the core concept for this blog as I write this. Actually, I'm writing this in order to discover why I'm writing it. Does that make sense to anyone else? Do you ever say something out loud in order to see if it's true?

Well anyway, lemme see, where to start? 

Okay, at my heart of hearts, I think I'm a sub. Or slave. Maybe a switch. 
I think. 
I'm really curious about BDSM, and have been bringing some kink into my vanilla relationships for awhile now. But I have a lot of questions and self doubt, and would feel a lot better if I could get some advice, and honest answers to serious questions from experienced people in the scene.

However. There is this general defensiveness within the online BDSM community towards newcomers, and it is off putting and intimidating.

The one time I tried, with all honesty- to openly and nonjudgmentally begin to publicly explore my personal brand of kink in a BDSM forum in order to gain some feedback, I was immediately perceived as being aggressive and insulting. I was verbally chased off, and left the message boards feeling shamed. And not in a sexy way. In a I-was-crying-and-felt-terrible way.

And reading other posts by people new to the community- I'm not the only one suffering this treatment.

A lot of people including myself have questions that can be answered with, "You obviously don't know what you're talking about and don't know how to be in the scene safely/sanely/correctly." 

If these people were the type of nonjuedgemental community minded people they claimed to be, they should follow that up with polite, guiding, advice.

Not, "So you should be ashamed of yourself, leave, and never come back!"

Newcomers KNOW they're newbs that don't know everything/anything. THAT IS WHY THEY ARE THERE ASKING QUESTIONS, DUH.

Anyway, now that the ranting portion of this post is over with... I guess I'm writing this blog because I think that:

1. It's plausible that by putting full sentences to the half formed ideas in my mind, I may be able to see some obvious but previously unseen answers to the questions I'm facing in my personal journey.

2. I genuinely believe that there are people out there that will able to see my musings for what they are: the confused and half-scared questions of an inexperienced person. Not mean spirited trolling, or stupidity bordering on the malicious. And I'm half hoping those people will wander onto this blog.

Wish me luck with my search for personal truth?